Giant statue will make you cool

Some people like to impress guests with their 500-inch flat-screen television that has hi-def, surround-sound, 3-D and other digital enhancements that allow you to analyze everything in frightening detail, including which of Ty Wigginton's nosehairs were twitching when he tomahawked a clutch RBI-single to left (let me know when this happens). Others like to pretend they're an Iron Chef or a "Chopped" Champion, even pronouncing exotic foods from other countries with the exact accent from the corresponding distant land (let me know when this happens so I can kick that person's teeth down their throat).

But if you really want to impress your guests this summer, may I recommend going classic - as in, really, really classic - with the Easter Island Ahu Akivi Moai Monolith Statue from our friends at Design Toscano. The replica King Moai, inspired by the 380 A.D. Easter Island originals, is cast in resin and features a faux stone finish and comes in three sizes: Medium (16 inches in height, $29.95), Large (48 inches, $399) or Giant (72 inches, 92 pounds, $995).

The statue is supposed to represent gods or powerful kings, but I think it represents that you're one bad mo-fo. Especially if you go with the Giant.

SkyMall photo of the week: Portable Infrared Sauna

Little known fact No. 1: You don't need an iPad, cool in-flight movie or cart loads of booze to entertain yourself on an airplane. All you need is the good ol' SkyMall magazine and a couple of pens, and you're set. The magazine is packed with all sorts of unnecessary close-up shots of weird looking people in odd poses - ripe for drawing mustaches, beards, uni-brows, glasses, devil horns, clown apparel, drug paraphernalia, additional body parts, Max Hedroom hair ... you get the picture.

Anyone understand this? Anyone?

Little known fact No. 2: You don't even need to be on an airplane to do this, because you can fire up www.skymall.com and sift through their entire catalog of insanity anytime.

That's gonna happen at least once a week here at Toast + Butter = Good, and when I did it tonight it was a bonanza and so-bad-it's-good. Not only do we get a lady looking very strange - and a little too happy? - while zipped up in SkyMall's Portable Infrared Sauna, but we get a lady looking very strange and a little too happy in a Portable Sauna that costs $399.99.

MUST. GET. IN. SAUNA ... NOW!

Did we mention it's portable? Na, no one will mistake you for Michael Douglas in "Falling Down" when you lug what appears to be a tent made out of electrical tape boasting two powerful 600-watt heaters that crank to penetrating levels in only one minute into the Comfort Inn off the exit that leads to Dummyville.

Yo, dog: You gots to chill

One of the hardest parts about being a pet owner or even a vet is that you really have no idea what a dog or a cat or an iguana is feeling. Does his tail hurt? Does he have gas? Is it really necessary for your pet weasel to have a $200,000 liver transplant when the real problem is a sore paw?

Even more difficult to gauge is how your pet feels. Maybe your pooch is bummed out that you didn't give him a bone the last three times he went out and made a spectacular doodie. Or maybe your rabbit is severely depressed because you make him live in a cage in your garage when, really, he just wants to run free all over the place BECAUSE HE'S A RABBIT..

Diagnosis: Oral fixation.

Or maybe, like most animals, the problem is anxiety, especially when you roll out of town without him.

For the time being, drug makers aren't pushing Zoloft, Prozac, Cymbalta, Profylactia, Demofartinocin, Clownpokerczac or Pez on pups or other pets (I might have made up one or more of these). And pet psychiatry hasn't quite taken off despite the efforts of this guy and other wackballs like him.

Until those things happen, there's the Separation Anxiety Preventing Pet Bed, exclusively from Hammacher Schlemmer. The bed features a mesh pocket on the exterior for holding a garment that belongs to the owner, which may or may not help with the separation anxiety and may or may not result in Rover ripping your shirt to shreds. The plush, smooth surface of the bed as well as its thick, soft interior will calm your beloved animal while you're gone.

Or he'll go berserk and help you light $69.95 on fire.
  
Until it arrives, play this for your pet:
 

I love the smell of ... in the morning

Pat Benatar had it right: Love is a battlefield.

But so is the bathroom. It's a war zone, man, and only the strong survive. 

Whether it's at home, where securing even five minutes of private time in the ol' John is a feat; or at work, where all sorts of Turd Burglars, Squatters and other lavatory lurkers make getting the job done more difficult than it needs to be, you gotta be armed and ready for anything that comes your way.

First, you need to suit up, and there isn't a better uniform than the Camouflage Toilet Paper from Baron Bob ($7.95). It's true, the roll could actually add more confusion to the process, but nevertheless a tone has to be set that This Is My House, Brother.

Next, you need some strategery, so read up on all the stories, definitions and players over at The Poop Report. Start with the glossary. Then read the war tales and devise your own battle plans for getting in and out quick, cloaking yourself and avoiding the Big Guns of the office.

Finally, you need some weaponry, and by weaponry we mean anti-stink spray. Head on over to Paxton Creek, which boasts an arsenal that Dick Cheney would be proud of, including the Deja Poo (citrus and white flowers) and Crap Shooter (fresh cassis, citrus peel and fir) for $8.95-$11.95. 

Deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want these in that stall. 

You need these in that stall.

Jammin' Java (down your throat by the gallon)

Apparently, small, medium, large, extra-large and the other normal words weren't good enough for the Palace of Douchiness otherwise known as Starbucks. For years nerds who practiced could accurately pronounce "Grande" and "Venti" and I'm sure they're all set to order a Trenta sized iced coffee.

Over at Fred Flare, they only deal in one size: Big Ass. The World's Largest Coffee Cup can hold 160 ounces of your favorite Joe, and it doesn't have to taste like the pretentious bitter motor oil that our stuck-up friends from Seattle want to sell you for a week's pay.

It'll be available for $46 at www.fredflare.com later next month.

This is really just a test, but this is a really cool toaster, eh? Just don't take your bread to the "Dark side." Get it?