Pat Benatar had it right: Love is a battlefield.
But so is the bathroom. It's a war zone, man, and only the strong survive.
Whether it's at home, where securing even five minutes of private time in the ol' John is a feat; or at work, where all sorts of Turd Burglars, Squatters and other lavatory lurkers make getting the job done more difficult than it needs to be, you gotta be armed and ready for anything that comes your way.
First, you need to suit up, and there isn't a better uniform than the Camouflage Toilet Paper from Baron Bob ($7.95). It's true, the roll could actually add more confusion to the process, but nevertheless a tone has to be set that This Is My House, Brother.
Next, you need some strategery, so read up on all the stories, definitions and players over at The Poop Report. Start with the glossary. Then read the war tales and devise your own battle plans for getting in and out quick, cloaking yourself and avoiding the Big Guns of the office.
Finally, you need some weaponry, and by weaponry we mean anti-stink spray. Head on over to Paxton Creek, which boasts an arsenal that Dick Cheney would be proud of, including the Deja Poo (citrus and white flowers) and Crap Shooter (fresh cassis, citrus peel and fir) for $8.95-$11.95.
Deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want these in that stall.
You need these in that stall.